8 things to consider in a young lady
1. Her home or car is a mess.
Are clothes stacked in the corner, dishes not cleaned, and trash is left in her car and room/ home? Spotlessness isn't the goal; a place also needs to look lived in, but not look like four people live in her car/ room. Men generally struggle with being slobs, do you want your wife to be a slob? Does she get defensive when it’s addressed? That should be a warning to you. For Elders, this could be disqualifying since you would not be able to run your home well.
Simply put, if she doesn't care about cleanliness now, she won't care about cleanliness later.
1 Tim. 3:4-5/ 5:14 Titus 2:3-5 1 Peter 3:1 Eph. 5:33 Proverbs 31:10
2. Her parents are divorced, and she has no idea why.
Divorced parents are a sad commonality in our society, so you might not be able to avoid it, so this is not a disqualification. But how does she feel about it? Has she dealt with that tragedy? What has she learned? Does she see herself as a mere bystander, as a victim that displays a lack of trust in a Sovereign God. Does she hate divorce? Has she purposed in her heart to do everything to have a God honoring marriage and avoid divorce at all costs?
This is a shared struggle among the genders that requires a biblically informed understanding.
If she treats it as a trivial thing, that's a bad sign.
Malachi 2:16 1 Peter 3:7 Eph. 5:25-29
3. Her father is timid, weak, and doesn't lead in the home.
That's her erroneous picture of a husband, and it's likely what she will expect from any man she marries. She has enjoyed the slack leadership because that leadership demands nothing of her. If you find yourself being pursued by this type of women (that should also be a bad sign), it may be a tell tale sign that she’s trying to make you timid/ weak, or you are timid/ weak. Prayerfully, you are not like that, but if you are, it will cause lots of unneeded conflict. Does she take correction well from her Elders/ Pastor? Or does she view them as harsh or brash, tending to not agree or assume ill intent?
This woman must look to Scripture and conform her desires for a man based on biblical standards. If she didn’t/ doesn't submit to her weak father, she will not submit to you.
Deut. 31:6 Psalm 31:24 Eph. 4:1-3/13 1 Cor. 14:20 2 Peter 3:18 2 Tim. 1:7
4. Outrageously short hair or odd colored. (purple, green, blue, etc.) Odd piercings or shallow/ odd tattoos.
This can highlight tendencies of rebelliousness, immodesty, and a progressive ideology. I understand this is peering into motives, but shouldn’t you know at least why? Is she doing it to shock her mother or grandmother? Is she rebelling against some “norms”? This is Not a hardline rule, yet it could be a sign of a lack of contentment and/ or insecurity. In the society we live in today this is not questioned but ask yourself “why?”, has it not become the uniform of liberal godless women. Then why look like them? It’s the same argument I would have that if the Lord saved you from the gang life, you should probably stop wearing their uniform, just saying. And better yet it’s the same argumentation the Apostle Paul had for “braided hair” in 1 Timothy 2:9. The heart of the matter is a matter of the heart. Please read to the end of this blog for more clarity.
1 Cor. 11:15-16 1 Tim. 2:9-10 1 Peter 3:3
5. She spends too much time on her phone.
Is she frequently having conversations with people not present, ignoring those present? Is she frequently posting to social media, desperate for attention and affirmation? Does her social media look like a collage of pictures of her? She may not post immodest pictures but what about sensual ones? Her pictures don’t have to show skin to imply something immodest or self-centered.
Does she get defensive when you ask her to put the phone down? As a believer she has been set free but oddly she enslaves herself “freely” for the approval she should find in God alone.
1 Cor. 6:12 Roms 8:2 Gal. 5:1 Proverbs 11:2 James 4:6
6. She has a high amount of debt.
Student debt is understandable, as that will be a burden to take on together. But it's mainly consumer debt, credit cards, personal loans. Does she spend money she doesn’t have? Is she an impulsive spender? Does she mainly buy things she wants but doesn’t need? Does she budget life within her means? Has she even given thought to that? If she lives with parents as an adult, does she offer to help with living expenses so she can practice stewardship now? Does she give faithfully to the work of the Gospel in her local church? Does she get offended is you ask about her finances? A woman like this will have trouble managing a household budget and drive you toward poverty.
Proverbs 31:10-31 Matt. 6:24 Proverbs 22:7
7. She avoids children.
She complains about them and has never babysat or offered to babysit any children in the church/ family. She doesn't melt at the site of a cute, smiling baby. She has no desire to hold a baby. The thought of having to change a diaper is something to avoid at all costs. Women should have the god given quality of desiring to nurture and love children. If they don’t, somewhere in their mind/ heart they have quashed that nature, it has its roots in selfness. If you marry and have children with her, she’ll resent you and eventually resent her children.
Healthy, godly women, love children, especially babies.
Psalm 127:3-5 Matt. 18:10/ 19:14 John 16:21 Isaiah 66:13/ 49:15 Titus 2:4
8. Her mother is overbearing and critical.
Remember that the greatest mentor, via example, has been her mother. This is why people will say, “I will never be like my mother”, (if she’s been a bad example) but end up having some of the same tendencies and sinful character traits. She may, unwittingly, become a pragmatist, thinking “I’ve seen my mom do this and it gets the job done!”. She has little to no thought to if it’s biblical or right out sinful. She has had few to no examples of gentle, quiet women in her life, and so she will act as she has been taught. If she doesn’t deal with this in a godly manner, she will be a worse version of her mother.
You can’t fix her, pray for her.
Col. 3:18 Eph. 5:22/ 4:2 1 Peter 3:4/ 2:1-2 2 Tim. 1:7 Roms. 12:1-2 Gal. 5:22 Matt. 5:2-11
Important note:
Every Christian woman is on a trajectory toward Christlikeness, some are working out their salvation better than others. Since this is true, we ought to find glimpses of godliness without making compromises. Meaning, if she’s practicing the means of grace in these areas then these are not disqualifiers for consideration (with some exceptions). Some are, so if you need help knowing, the Lord has supplied His Word and His Church with leadership and godly couples. These are not meant to be legalistic but more of a heart check from the Lord.
Some of the topics I covered are conscience issues, not sin issues, much like what is explained in Romans 14 by the Apostle Paul when he said, “So then each of us will give an account of himself to God.” Each of us ought to examine ourselves in light of what Scripture teaches. As believers we all have the overarching truth of 1 Corinthians 6:11 that says, “Such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”
That is the hope of the Gospel and the sanctifying work of the Spirit that resides in us. We were changed, are being changed, and one day will be completely changed. So let us press on to the upward call of the Lord Jesus Christ.
For the Master, Pastor Ulee
Are clothes stacked in the corner, dishes not cleaned, and trash is left in her car and room/ home? Spotlessness isn't the goal; a place also needs to look lived in, but not look like four people live in her car/ room. Men generally struggle with being slobs, do you want your wife to be a slob? Does she get defensive when it’s addressed? That should be a warning to you. For Elders, this could be disqualifying since you would not be able to run your home well.
Simply put, if she doesn't care about cleanliness now, she won't care about cleanliness later.
1 Tim. 3:4-5/ 5:14 Titus 2:3-5 1 Peter 3:1 Eph. 5:33 Proverbs 31:10
2. Her parents are divorced, and she has no idea why.
Divorced parents are a sad commonality in our society, so you might not be able to avoid it, so this is not a disqualification. But how does she feel about it? Has she dealt with that tragedy? What has she learned? Does she see herself as a mere bystander, as a victim that displays a lack of trust in a Sovereign God. Does she hate divorce? Has she purposed in her heart to do everything to have a God honoring marriage and avoid divorce at all costs?
This is a shared struggle among the genders that requires a biblically informed understanding.
If she treats it as a trivial thing, that's a bad sign.
Malachi 2:16 1 Peter 3:7 Eph. 5:25-29
3. Her father is timid, weak, and doesn't lead in the home.
That's her erroneous picture of a husband, and it's likely what she will expect from any man she marries. She has enjoyed the slack leadership because that leadership demands nothing of her. If you find yourself being pursued by this type of women (that should also be a bad sign), it may be a tell tale sign that she’s trying to make you timid/ weak, or you are timid/ weak. Prayerfully, you are not like that, but if you are, it will cause lots of unneeded conflict. Does she take correction well from her Elders/ Pastor? Or does she view them as harsh or brash, tending to not agree or assume ill intent?
This woman must look to Scripture and conform her desires for a man based on biblical standards. If she didn’t/ doesn't submit to her weak father, she will not submit to you.
Deut. 31:6 Psalm 31:24 Eph. 4:1-3/13 1 Cor. 14:20 2 Peter 3:18 2 Tim. 1:7
4. Outrageously short hair or odd colored. (purple, green, blue, etc.) Odd piercings or shallow/ odd tattoos.
This can highlight tendencies of rebelliousness, immodesty, and a progressive ideology. I understand this is peering into motives, but shouldn’t you know at least why? Is she doing it to shock her mother or grandmother? Is she rebelling against some “norms”? This is Not a hardline rule, yet it could be a sign of a lack of contentment and/ or insecurity. In the society we live in today this is not questioned but ask yourself “why?”, has it not become the uniform of liberal godless women. Then why look like them? It’s the same argument I would have that if the Lord saved you from the gang life, you should probably stop wearing their uniform, just saying. And better yet it’s the same argumentation the Apostle Paul had for “braided hair” in 1 Timothy 2:9. The heart of the matter is a matter of the heart. Please read to the end of this blog for more clarity.
1 Cor. 11:15-16 1 Tim. 2:9-10 1 Peter 3:3
5. She spends too much time on her phone.
Is she frequently having conversations with people not present, ignoring those present? Is she frequently posting to social media, desperate for attention and affirmation? Does her social media look like a collage of pictures of her? She may not post immodest pictures but what about sensual ones? Her pictures don’t have to show skin to imply something immodest or self-centered.
Does she get defensive when you ask her to put the phone down? As a believer she has been set free but oddly she enslaves herself “freely” for the approval she should find in God alone.
1 Cor. 6:12 Roms 8:2 Gal. 5:1 Proverbs 11:2 James 4:6
6. She has a high amount of debt.
Student debt is understandable, as that will be a burden to take on together. But it's mainly consumer debt, credit cards, personal loans. Does she spend money she doesn’t have? Is she an impulsive spender? Does she mainly buy things she wants but doesn’t need? Does she budget life within her means? Has she even given thought to that? If she lives with parents as an adult, does she offer to help with living expenses so she can practice stewardship now? Does she give faithfully to the work of the Gospel in her local church? Does she get offended is you ask about her finances? A woman like this will have trouble managing a household budget and drive you toward poverty.
Proverbs 31:10-31 Matt. 6:24 Proverbs 22:7
7. She avoids children.
She complains about them and has never babysat or offered to babysit any children in the church/ family. She doesn't melt at the site of a cute, smiling baby. She has no desire to hold a baby. The thought of having to change a diaper is something to avoid at all costs. Women should have the god given quality of desiring to nurture and love children. If they don’t, somewhere in their mind/ heart they have quashed that nature, it has its roots in selfness. If you marry and have children with her, she’ll resent you and eventually resent her children.
Healthy, godly women, love children, especially babies.
Psalm 127:3-5 Matt. 18:10/ 19:14 John 16:21 Isaiah 66:13/ 49:15 Titus 2:4
8. Her mother is overbearing and critical.
Remember that the greatest mentor, via example, has been her mother. This is why people will say, “I will never be like my mother”, (if she’s been a bad example) but end up having some of the same tendencies and sinful character traits. She may, unwittingly, become a pragmatist, thinking “I’ve seen my mom do this and it gets the job done!”. She has little to no thought to if it’s biblical or right out sinful. She has had few to no examples of gentle, quiet women in her life, and so she will act as she has been taught. If she doesn’t deal with this in a godly manner, she will be a worse version of her mother.
You can’t fix her, pray for her.
Col. 3:18 Eph. 5:22/ 4:2 1 Peter 3:4/ 2:1-2 2 Tim. 1:7 Roms. 12:1-2 Gal. 5:22 Matt. 5:2-11
Important note:
Every Christian woman is on a trajectory toward Christlikeness, some are working out their salvation better than others. Since this is true, we ought to find glimpses of godliness without making compromises. Meaning, if she’s practicing the means of grace in these areas then these are not disqualifiers for consideration (with some exceptions). Some are, so if you need help knowing, the Lord has supplied His Word and His Church with leadership and godly couples. These are not meant to be legalistic but more of a heart check from the Lord.
Some of the topics I covered are conscience issues, not sin issues, much like what is explained in Romans 14 by the Apostle Paul when he said, “So then each of us will give an account of himself to God.” Each of us ought to examine ourselves in light of what Scripture teaches. As believers we all have the overarching truth of 1 Corinthians 6:11 that says, “Such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”
That is the hope of the Gospel and the sanctifying work of the Spirit that resides in us. We were changed, are being changed, and one day will be completely changed. So let us press on to the upward call of the Lord Jesus Christ.
For the Master, Pastor Ulee
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2 Comments
Sage advice. I think this applies to all women. 💕😃
Yes, tho it has its title toward women it has application to men. What it truly is is becoming more Christlike.